Queer observations #48

My homoerotic fascination seems to center on men who have menial jobs, especially construction site workers because I like to observe their posture and other movements of the body. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to observe men doing normal activity while in the nude. Perhaps this is a form of harmless voyeurism on my part - as long as I make sure they don’t catch me gawking at them which may cause discomfort to them.

There's a cashier in a South Asian capital who I am growing fond of everytime I visit there. I have bought soft drinks from his shop only on few occasions because he always smiles at me for more than the casual amount of time that could avoid our interaction become awkward. Yes, there is a limit to how long you can keep gazing at a man when he is gazing at you. This awkwardness on my part also is a result of my fear and anxiety that they might stop acting friendly if they realize I am gay while they are not. I have to be extra careful if such people are part of the place I have to visit regularly – like the shop this particular dude works at.

So I stopped visiting that convenient store and even while passing, I avoided looking through the glass door and glass windows lest he catch me looking inside; would he think that I am searching for him? I don't have an answer for that question.

I shopped from his shop only three times because he smiled, or rather grinned, at me. The fourth time I just went in because I wanted to shake his hand, say a friendly “Hello” in return for his courteous smiles at me, and in the process gauge his behavior towards me in terms of his interpreting my interaction with him. Fair enough, there was no awkwardness when he accepted my handshake.

But the fifth time I went there to greet him without intending to buy anything but just to give him a smile, he appeared uncomfortable; that was what I interpreted from his smile which looked forced, like you would when your manager tells you to be friendly to all customers even if you are having a bad day.

So I decided not to visit his store thereafter. But then one morning I was passing and while distracted in thought I happened to glance at the window and he was standing close to it and smiled; it was a smile of comfort, no doubt about that.

Then the next day when I passed I made sure that I wouldn't look towards his window but then I accidentally looked through the door and he was standing there watching me. I guess cashiers do observe what's happening outdoors because of the monotony of being inside a closed space such as a shop.

I waved to him but did not stop to make sure he had in any way reacted to my action but I was walking too fast and I had already turned away from him and could not be sure how he reacted. 

Then of all the things that this universe could concoct, one day later, I caught him at a park ten minutes away from his store. At first I was passing while observing the trees and shrubs. I wasn’t looking at any people hanging out there. Then I somehow sensed that someone was observing me as I passed a man who was sitting on a bench near the pavement.

I looked in his direction and it took me by surprise when I noticed that it was HIM! Well, it's a small world after all when you consider that it was a tiny capital where a lot of parks existed among the built environment.

He was gazing at me with his face turned halfway towards me but I would say that there was nothing coy about it. 

I went over to him but didn't sit beside him because he might not like his privacy being invaded. I told myself that people go to parks to relax in the privacy of their thoughts. That said, I gauged that there was about a ten-year gap between him and me, me being the senior.

He was smiling at me so I went over to him and asked him "How?" in the language spoken in that South Asian capital. He just kept smiling and I guessed that was him saying he was doing well, so I gave him the thumbs-up sign and went on my way.

I wasn't expecting to meet him again so soon but the next day as I was passing by his shop he happened to be exiting. His back was to me and I prayed he wouldn't turn around; for some reason I just didn't want to ruin those platonic subtle communications we had been having through just smiles which I believe are expressions of affection, strangers or not.

So you can guess my exhilaration when he in fact turned around to go in the opposite direction and thus was headed toward me. In other words, there was no way I could avoid facing him. 

I smiled but was careful not to grin. When our eyes met, he grinned. I was almost near him, in hearing distance, and I asked him "Good?" in the language spoken in that South Asian country.

I wasn't expecting him to actually say anything because during all the time I had been interacting with him over those several days, it was not verbal, it was just his smiles: it was me asking him how he was doing and he responding with a smile as if to say “Yes”. 

As I passed him, I asked him in that South Asian country’s native language: “Good?”

He smiled, again that non-verbal answer of answering in the positive. 

And it was to my great surprise that he actually spoke to me - in English.

"You?" he asked me in way of inquiring into my wellbeing. 

"Good," I replied and gave him the thumbs-up sign and we went our way, into the opposite directions he and me were heading.

For the remainder of that day, I was overcome by an inexplicable sense of happiness. I was wondering about the mysterious nature of human affection towards one another. Sure, there was nothing permanent that could result in a casual acquaintance of platonic love like that but an unspoken bond of friendship made all the difference and brought to me tons of happiness if joy can be measured on a physical scale.